COLUMN: Anybody want to rent my mom?

Originally published in the Business Section of the York Daily Record/Sunday News on Sunday, June 26, 2011.

By LAUREN BOYER 
Daily Record/Sunday News

In this harsh economy, I’ve considered ways to supplement my lucrative

This is my mom and I -- two Penn State graduates -- after I was honored as Penn State College of Communications student marshal for commencement December 2009.

reporter wages.

I looked into part-time jobs. I thought about freelance writing. That’s when I stumbled upon the mother of all  business opportunities:

Momstitution. I’m going to rent out my mom, Ann. She’s awesome.

Hear me out.

Got landlord-tenant disputes? She’s got your back.

Upon leaving my reporting job in State College, a landlord tried shaving $150 off my security deposit, despite signing an inspection checklist that said my unit incurred no damages.

I called the landlord. I tried to solve it myself to no avail. Nobody listens to a 22-year-old.

Irate, my mom, a former real estate agent, catapulted into action. A week later, a check for the missing money was signed, sealed and delivered to my house.

This shrewd negotiator also specializes in finding suitable living arrangements in new towns, nitpicking leases and playing hardball with horrific roommates, frightening them into submission.

Call it mommy magic.

Moving into a new apartment? Look no further.

This 5-foot-8-inch matron of muscle hauls board furniture up two flights of stairs like a champ.

And that’s not all.

She knows how to get ink stains out of your favorite Calvin Klein khaki pants and gum out of your hair.

She does taxes.

Never grocery shop again. She delivers within a two-hour radius.

This includes her pulled pork sandwiches and peanut butter cheesecake, guaranteed to please even the pickiest foodie.

As I get older, I realize that Ann is a vintage collectible, the Rolls Royce of motherhood.

Very few people have one. Maybe not everyone wants one.

But every once in a while, even the most independent of adult children crave a little motherly assistance — someone obligated by a chromosome to take your side in any argument.

That’s an investment worth making.

Not available in stores, my mom can pretend to love you, too, for a daily rate I haven’t quite calculated yet.

I’m still tweaking the fine print, including liability and security deposits. I need to ensure Ann’s timely return, tank full, without dents or scratches.

Act now, and I’ll throw in my dad, Stan, for free.

He’s a financially savvy 56-year-old federal retiree, who can still give you a run for your money on the tennis court.

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2 responses to “COLUMN: Anybody want to rent my mom?

  1. Pingback: Attempting to lure ‘American Pickers’ to York County using social media | BY LAUREN BOYER

  2. Pingback: Deleting Xanga: Deleting my teenage angst | BY LAUREN BOYER

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